Scribbles: Writing by Christin Keck


My writing, information about my books, and a lot of miscellany


Atlas Snubbed! The Big Book of Insulted Countries (a vintage webpage from the 90's)

Insulting Afghanistan
Afghanistan! Leave while you can!
It's worse by far than the Ku Klux Klan!
Take everything you possibly can!
-Christin Keck

Insulting Albania
A country that will drive you really insania
Is somewhere near by Turkey and is called Albania.
They don't have any imports--not even grania,
Or rubber plants, or even sugar cania.
It's not a great vacation spot. Folks complainia
All the time about the weather, especially the rainia.
So don't try to buy a ticket on an airplainia
Unless you are a real birdbrainia.
Disdaina Albania.
--Christin Keck

The Limerick About Albania
Her geography was a mite murky
Albania's not too near Turkey.
Italy's closa
And so is Croasa
And some Greeks can see them be perky.
--Frank Palmer

 Insulting Bahrain
In Bahrain's sunny clime,where I spent way too much time,
The sand gets in your underthings, and scours paint out of the dings
The rocks leave in your car.
The sultan's rich, his oil's a bitch
To get out of the ground, more than enough sand to pound,
And the nearest beer is way too far!
For all the gold his vaults can hold,
I would not there return; in Gehenna it can burn;
The spiritual birthplace of Disney's Jafar!
--Michael G. Thompson

Insulting Bulgaria
Bulgaria, yucko!

A country of twits!
If you're there for a day,
You break out in zits!
The name does not roll
Off the tongue with panache;
Give me some fuel, I'll
Reduce it to ash!
There's no earthly reason
Why anyone willing
Would go to Bulgaria.
The thought is just chilling.
--Christin Keck

Insulting Burkina Faso (aka Upper Volta)
Silly Burkina Faso
Formerly Upper Volta
The roads are pretty crappy
Even for a Toyota!

They rarely take credit
The phone rates're sky-high;
I even bet it's really hard
To get a decent piece of pie!

Register with your local embassy
Photo may be required!
Good luck getting more cash
Should it need to be wired.

So why go out of your way
To get to Burkina Faso?
Might as well sit at home
And write the vacation off as a loss. Oh.
I TOLD you I was really good at being really bad!!!
--Jen

Burkina Faso II
Burkina Faso--
Let's not forget it!
It's not one we think of a lot.
It's landlocked and dry
With very few T.V.s
Princess Di vacations there. NOT!
This is not much of a poem
But what do you expect
For a Nation that all have forgot.
--Sheena, who should stick to plagiarism

An Awful Ode to Burundi
The African nation Burundi
Was visited by the shoe man, Al Bundy.
He came to despair,
They'd never heard of him there.
Said he, "Sic transit gloria mundi."
--Hmmm, not an ode, is it? Also, not very insulting. IMO, it
actually speaks well of them if they've never heard of Al. Oh well,
I tried.
--David Streeter

Insulting Cameroon
I wish that I could someday soon
Pay a visit to Cameroon.
Near Nigeria, Congo and Chad
When I hit my finger I say something bad.
Like "Yaounde!" which, in no time at all
You'll observe to be Cameroon's capital.

But now I must insult this African land
Because that's the Usenet thread here at hand.
Cameroon's little-known, so it's perfect for hidin'
So let's buy a one-way fare for our own E*** S*****
(NOTE: this name was removed, but it rhymes with "hidin').
--John I. Carney

Insulting Canada (the short form)
I don't need to resort to poetry
to insult Canada. I only need
one word:
Quebec.
--David Streeter

Insulting Canada (the long form)
Canada, Canada, land of the snow,
And not much else might I say,
The rain, well it pours, and the wind it doth blow,
And no one can go out and play.

The worst has to be the Canadian beer,
Which is the hardest to take,
'Cause when boredom escaping, you need it I fear,
(Though I'd rather dump it in a lake.)

With your acres of land, and oodles of space
You still attract only a few;
The bears are the ones that still own the place,
Hibernation--they know what to do.

Since I find no more insults handy,
I'll leave you here with one from John Candy:
Beware all Canadians, you ought to know
We have ways of making you say the letter "O".
--Uma Karmarkar

Insulting the Congo
Bingo, bango bongo, I'm happy it's the Congo
For the name falls lightly on za ear.
For visiting Harare, though, I must say
That country is wrongo, so I hear.
The Rhodes between are dusty, and my atlas, trusty
Says that there's not any possible way
Of transliteration of the old nation
Of Belgian Congo to Zimbabwe.
--Frank Palmer

Insulting Djibouti (1)

If you look for lushest beauty
Pass on Africa's Djibouti;
Perched near drought-starved Ethiopia
It's desolation drains the hope of ya!

But if by there you chance to prance,
Remember it belonged to France.
Its livelihood, I'm afraid,
Is made of Froggy foreign aid!

And be prepared, be not moronic,
Take care for plates described tectonic;
A disco you won't need to quake,
And shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake Djibouti! shake Djibouti!
--Sanford M. Manley

Insulting Djibouti (2)
Don't ever go down to Djibouti,
The people there are all quite snooty.
Their strategic location
Makes superpower frustration,
And the food leaves one feeling quite tooty.
--Thank'ee much, JPB

Insult to England

If you plan to take a trip
And sail across the pond,
Stiffen up your upper lip,
In England you'll be conned.
They'll try to sell you history
And Royal Family trees,
But all you'll get from England
Is a case of Lime(y) disease.
The British take what's not nailed down--
They wield an iron hand;
But all they've kept so far are parts
Of northern Ireland.
Stay out of England, it's a bust.
You'll never find a friend.
Besides, you just might lose your head
And look like Anne Boleyn.
--Christin Keck
Porno for Pyros Burning England
Great Britain's a shame,
It's so goddam lame.
Wish I had a flame
I'd burn it down like it's a fun game.
--guillermo letona
It's not great, but I tried!
 
One Dreadful Ode to Finland
So many places rhyme with Finland,
Poland, Scotland, Ice and Ireland,
Newfoundland and our New England,
Netherlands and wee New Zealand.
The Finnish flag is funny to me,
It looks just like a sideways Tee.
The capital is named Helsinki
What a surprise, it rhymes with tweenkie.
Finland is near the great Baltic Sea,
A name from the game Monopoly.
This poem ends with a Finnish door-hinge--
Another word that rhymes with orange.
--Ok, now is everyone happy? Robert Stevenson

Insulting Gabon
Gabon is
Not a name for civilized folk,
Which, of course, they're not.
A people called Fangs
Call Gabon their home.
Upon hearing that, I thought:
With a name like Fangs
Are they a country of snakes?
Or motorcycle gangs?
Or vampires in need of some braces?
If that is the case
Then I can only say,
Gabon?
Dear me! Goodness gracious!
--Sheena

Greek Tweak
A salute to you Hellenia
The country goes back ten millenia.
The aged Grecians
Pre-date Phoenicians
Hell of a place, I'm not kiddin' ya.

Greek language is something to know;
'Nay' means yes, 'O-hey' is no
The letters are quite dandy.
And come in quite handy
Driving around fraternity row.

On old Olympus' towering tops
A Finn and a Greek viewed Spanish hops.
What they tried to do
Was learn to brew
But Greek beers are horrible flops.

Worse than beer is their Retsina wine
Distribution should be a crime.
No one deserves it
Please never serve it
It's like drinking red turpentine.

On Acropolis sits Parthenon
Looks decayed as an old barn.
Crumbling to bits
It's really the pits
If you skip it there's no harm.

Further south is the Temple of Sounion
Visited once by Lord Byron.
It's a matter of fact
He never went back
Can't blame him, it stinks like an onion.

Greek gods are ready to strike--
Neptune, Ares, Minerva and Nike.
The Big Cheese is Zeus
Who could be named Bruce
Never Mediterranean he didn't like.

Nick left Greece for his fortune to find
But soon nearly lost his mind
Nick became homesick
Went back real quick
Couldn't leave his brothers behind.

In closing this insult to Greece,
Remember to go there in peace.
Just ask the Greek sheep
Who say not a peep
When their white wool is being fleeced.
--Robert Stevenson, AKA Worst Poet on the Net

In Guatemala

In Guatemala
Guerrillas are hard to bear
Oh boy, do they scare.

In Guatemala
Women have baskets for hair
No Nexxus hair-care.

In Guatemala
The Mayan temples are there
A big set of stairs.

In Guatemala
People speak spanish down there
Adios Dave Barr(y).
--guillermo letona
P.S.- I could have thought of more like: In Guatemala Summer here is winter there The climate is fair.

Insulting Iraq
If you really wish to get off track,
Visit Iraq.

You probably shouldn't wear khaki
If you wanna be an Iraqi,

'Cause they dress mostly in black
In Iraq.

No computers! No one is a hack-
Er in Iraq.

They do eat a lot of jackal
In Iraq. All

Of their leaders are megalomaniacish
In Iraq. Wish

You were somewhere back
Home? Stay out of Iraq.
--Christin Keck

Insulting Italy--sorta
If insulting Albania hurt just a little we
Ought to warn you we're about to start in on Italy.   (NOTE: we didn't.  I don't know how we managed to miss Italy.)

Insulting two major European countries at the same time
I've seen London, I've seen France.
Emigrate when you get a chance.
--Christin Keck

Insulting Japan
Japan's a country unendura-
Ble. Fried eel is called tempura;
They eat the most disgusting dishes,
Too much rice and poison fishes.
The movies all have giant lizards
Ripping out each others' gizzards.
Kabuki plays are high-pitched, whiny.
Hotel rooms are really tiny.
Men are sexist, women geishas.
They ought to put their kids on leashes.
Their rock'n'roll just sucks--it's pokey
All their music's karaoke.
They can't even tell you "no,"
But I can. I repeat--don't go.
--Christin Keck

Insulting Lichtenstein
If rephrehensible is what you wish to define,
Then you should really take a look at Lichtenstein.
The place is about as cuddly as a porcupine,
The weather isn't warm, it's Alpine;
To be there is like drinking warm brine
On your breakfast cereal. You'll whine
And try to leave, and that would be just fine,
Except that they don't even have an airline
And you will have to travel to the coastline
And take a ship--which is asinine,
Because they also have no shoreline.
So if you get invited, please decline.
--Christin Keck

Another shot at Lichtenstein
Once I really Leichtenstein
Thought that country really fine.
But then Rick Haan wanted a whine
To make us "dis" Lichtenstein.
--Fierce (I amb what I amb)Rajah of All Negative Karma, Frank Palmer

Insulting Norway (1)
Vhat's da deal vit Norway?
De country dat's shaped like a gjourd.
Teeming mountains and dales vit Trolls, eh?
And vhat da hell's a fjord?

In vouldn't be such a bad place
If not for all de Norwegians,
Vit rosy cheeks and solemn face,
Reminds of Wisconsin Collegians.

Four point one million Norse.
Vat da HELL ver dey tinking?
It's frickin' cold up der, of course,
Nuttin to do but drinking.

The former king vas Olav,
(Dat's also de name of my dog.)
Part German, Part Danish, Part Slav,
(Jeff was the name of his frog.)

De capital city is Oslo,
Adjacent to ol' Skagerrak,
Too cold even for Haagen Daz flow
And de odor could gag a yak.

When dining in Lillehammer
Try lutefisk vit aquavit.
Tummy vill torque and brain villa clahmmer
Vit de taste of stinky Norse feet.

And if you travel vay up nort
All de vay ta Trondheim,
Expect to see a cold Arctic port,
And pro'ly even a blond dame.

And vhat's da deal vit da Lapps?
I hear dey sleep vit Reindeer,
Ya, sure, de're merry ol' Chaps,
But dere behavior's a lil' bit queer.

17 hundred miles of coastline
And not one friggin' place to swimp.
cold, icy and full of da most brine,
Even da heartiest men go limp.

Vhen making yer vay to Norway,
Be sure to turn right a t Kramatorsk,
Uddervise, it'll be a long vay,
Before you can try out yer Nynorsk.*


*[Pronounced "New Norsk"]
Let it be known that I've just accomplished my life's goal of working
Kramatorsk and Skaggerak into a poem (or at least into a rhyme.) Now what do I do?
--Scott White

Ode to Norway(2)
Don't come on down to Norway
The Land of the Midnight Sun.
Don't go where the Norwegians stay,
You're likely to freeze your buns.

The language I won't speak of,
(What the hell is a "landet?")
Their currency is useless fluff,
With krones, one cannot bet.

This place from where the Vikings came
Is mostly without purpose.
The Danes just didn't want the claim--
It's just not worth the fuss.
--Joseph Sutedja

Insulting Paraguay

Paraguay, oh Paraguay,
I wish I had stayed far away.
Like sitting down in curds, or whey,
I hate the place called Paraguay.
It's tiny, lumpy, odd and green,
The dumbest country ever seen.
The people there are nasty, mean,
And generally look unclean.
I wish there'd be a big monsoon
To drown this place. So opportune!
Unfortunately, it's immune.
I will not go back there too soon.
--Christin Keck
Commentary on Paraguay
Ok, Ok, I'll give you the last line, but Paraguayans are super-nice,
and Paraguay is actually quite large. It's roughly the size of California,
but like most South American countries it looks weensy next to
Brazil. And it's mostly RED. May I humbly suggest:
 
It's average-sized, and odd, and red.
They have this wacky dried-up bread.
They smoke their Lucky Strikes 'till dead.
The kids have to the cities fled.
--Nicole the Wonder Nerd
 
Romania--in a different vein
If you travel and you're hungry and you want to get a bite,
I do not suggest Romania, especially at night.
There are lots and lots of restaurants, but this fact they will conceal:
When you try to place your order, you may find that you're the meal.
Never order any liquor, never order any meat;
You will get a bloody mary, and blood sausage for your treat.
They won't serve any breakfast if the sun is shining yet;
If you ask them for a napkin, you will get a tourniquet.
You can't get a good dessert there--nope! Not even if you scream,
'Cause no matter what you order it will come with clotted cream.
All the maitre 'd's and waiters wear long capes with high stiff collars,
And if you should try to leave them tips, they will not take your dollars;
But if friends with them you wish to be, (to get the choicest table,)
Just slit your wrist and leave a drop (or more) if you are able.
If Dracula says, "Let's do lunch!," don't take the bus or train--
Drive only on main arteries, or lunch will be in vein!
--Christin Keck
 Insulting Sweden
Sverige, Sverige, Sverige...
I've come not to praise, but to bury ya.
Platitudes, I can think nary a
Good thing to say about Sverige.
Of all the places to roam,
From Goteburg to Stockholm,
All the places you Swedes call your home,
Well, frankly they all reek of loam.
 
The worst car I ever rode-a,
Well, I'd have to say it's a Skoda.
The transmission it just a-blowed-a,
And I ended up getting it towed-a.
 Your 99 percent literacy rate
Is no reason to congratulate.
Don't you think it better helps ya
If you would talar ni engelska?
 
Sweden, oh Sweden, oh Sweden...
Enough with the fish you are feedin'.
What other mistakes are we eatin'?
In a country only good to be peed in?
 
Oh, best wishes Persson, Prime Minister;
I hope that Sweden is less sinister.
I hope things for you go calme'
Than they did for dear Olaf Palme.
 
And oh, King Carl Sixteen,
You know I don't wish to be mean,
But what good things have we seen
That weren't done by the other fifteen?
 
Oh, I'm sure one day that I oughta
Go sailing down the Klara Gota,
But unless the weather gets hotte'
Well, I just don't think I will bothe'.
But despite all the time that it rains,
And the other reasons I complains,
The one thing that this country sustains
Is, it sure beat the shit out of the Danes.
--J.S.C. (King Olav's Frog)

Insulting the Ukraine
Oh Ukraine, My Ukraine
Having ancestors from Ukraine
Can really sometimes be a pain.
When a part of the Soviet rat race,
Nobody'd ever heard of the place.

And for many years before that,
It was in the Russian empire.
If you go there, hold onto your hat;
Chernobyl will set your hair on fire.

The capital is a place called Kiev,
A city that runs through your mind like a sieve.
Down through the middle flows the river Dnieper;
Take a drink, then meet the grim reaper.

Here's a fact on which you can bet your ass:
There's a substance they'd think neato keeno.
Ukraine's major product is natural gas;
I'd like the concession for Beano.
--David "Auntiespam" Streeter

Insulting the United States
The U.S.A. I do daresay
It should not be exempt.
Every day in every way
They raise my full contempt.
Pests I detests from East to West
And from Honolulu to Juneau,
And yes, I guess it would be best,
To include Puerto Rico.
Your interstates I must berate,
And all your back roads, too,
And so this date to every state
I thumb my nose at you.
Your TV shows and mindless prose,
They are such offal waste;
It blows! It goes to those I suppose
With no discerning taste.
Of course this discourse from the Great White North
Has a little caveat to do, too:
While you sent blather like "Family Matters,"
We sent William Shatner to you!
--J.S.C. (Jeff Slams Country)

Insulting Upper Volta (or Burkina Faso)
If you come from Upper Volta you must have a lot of shame,
'Cause this teeny-tiny country had to go and change its name.

It's now called Burkina Faso, and a dumber name there ain't;
It's for sure whoever named it had a minimum restraint.

'Course, the rumors 'round the Niger say that Volta got "in Dutch,"
So it had it's phone unlisted so we couldn't keep in touch.

But that wasn't all the story, no, it also had to move;
And it hoped the situation would do nothing but improve.

But it didn't, more's the pity--so it had to change its name.
Now the former Upper Volta plays Burkina Faso's game.

And the name Burkina Faso is a really stupid pick!
It's a name that makes me shudder, it's a name that makes me sick.
--Christin Keck

Avoid Wales
A carbuncle on the Mother land,
Beaches are just oil-stained sand;
It's one huge unsightly coal tip
Mixed with the smell of soggy sheep dip.
Yaki Dah and Daffyd Jones
Send a chill right through the bones.
Too many Y's and the double L--
No drink on Sunday--Bloody hell!
--Ian,
now wishing he was somewhere else

Avoiding Wales For a Much Worse Reason
The level of Horror that Wales entails,
Makes you hurt like a lash from a cat-o-nine tails;
For the poisonous air from which tourist ails,
Comes from the crap out from under pigs tails.
It makes the poor visitor vomit out his entrails.
So don't cross the ocean, and take down those sails--
For the man that travels there truly fails.
--Needles S. Ash

Insulting Zaire
The stupidest name for a country
Has got to be that of Zaire.
It doesn't sound much like you spell it,
Which hardly appears to be faire.
This country has no style whatever,
No sweetness, no soul and no flaire.
And no matter what name you call it,
You'll just wish that you were Elsewhaire.
If I had a whole bunch of money,
If I were a real billionaire,
I'd buy up this country and dump it
From a plane flying high in the aire.
--Christin Keck

 All of these poems were written in the 90's by the denizens of the now-defunct newsgroup (remember Usenet?) alt.fan.dave_barry. We decided to try to write bad poems just for the helluvit--which we did in spades. We were a pretty cool group--and we are still around individually--mostly on Facebook. Some of us are no longer with us--Trish Simpson, for instance--RIP, Trish, wherever you are now!  Also--Frank Palmer, guillermo letona, Uma, Jen, Scott White---where are you?  These poems are not meant to be truly insulting--just humorously insulting--and you will notice we included every country we could think of, including our own countries--Wales, The US, and Canada--and countries of our own heritages. Please don't take offense--we don't mean to be anything except slightly ridiculous. And that's something we still are, quite a lot of the time!
We also had a page of Haiku that was equally bad.  That has been included here, too--for your reading pleasure--or perhaps just to get you to buy more antacids. Up to you. 

Anyway, we know these were dumb, but they were sure fun to write--so enjoy! 

The Very Bad Haiku Page (a vintage website page from the 90's)

Take my Haiku, Please!

Excrutiating examples of a traditional Japanese art form.

What is a haiku?
A haiku is a three line poem comprised of 17 syllables. The first line has five syllables, the second line has seven, and the third line five. There should be some reference to nature in the poem, and it should evoke some crystalline imagery as well. It should also be good. This isn't hard to do, really, but you'll never know that by reading these examples.

Trousers which chuckle
As boogers fall from each nose

Like leaves of autumn.

--John I. Carney

See what I mean? (Sigh. )Well, let's move on.......

Haiku to a PVC Pipe

Plastic plumber's pipe.
The music springs so freely;
My ears are bleeding.

--Trish Simpson

Arguably, I might have picked better examples of the art (?), but what the hey...
Here are a few more.

HAIKU TO A BOOGER (2/19/97)

Mucilaginous
Morsel of effluvia--
Leave my finger! yuck!

 

 

 HAIKU TO A SQUIRREL (3/6/97)

 Bushy-tailed rodent
You think you will rule the world
Ow! don't bite! don't bite!

--both by K. W. Thompson (Ms. Nomer)

POOP MOOSE HAIKU (For an explanation, see the Poop Moose home page. This is not a link. Do a web search)

Alaskan Poop Moose
Unique Candy Dispenser
Now I'm not Hungry.
--Sheena

How bout a nice Haiku with the word booger in it? (NOTE: the word 'nice' is not MY choice here--that was a question by the author)

"Haiku!" God bless you.
A Kleenex for your boogers.
Yes! Boogers, boogers!
--guillermo letona

Dave Barry is here,
Fills my cup with laughter
As squirrels nibble nose
(I think I got the syllable count right.) Actually, no you didn't exactly. See the limerick below.
--Michael G. Thompson

(NOTE: This next Haiku was probably best put on the other vintage website, Atlas Snubbed--but we needed filler.)Burkina Faso
Flattish, brown, and very dull
Upper Volta wept
-Jen, no one's laureate

 

 

HAIKU BY COMMITTEE (each line written by a different person)

A swan in winter. (by Mike)
A tree swaying in the wind. (by D-Dave)
My soul is @ peace. (by QoCCs)

REDNECK HAIKU (YEE-HAW)

Summer in Georgia.
Drunk rednecks shootin' weapons.
he smell of moonshine.

GEEK HAIKU

CRT at night.
Illegal operation.
Abort/Retry/Fail.
--both by PICOCs (Trish Simpson) (feeling zenish)

A gratuitous limerick (see haiku above):

There once was a haiku from Mike,
whose syllables Trish didn't like,
Instead of five, six.
Mike's in quite a fix.
His haiku machine's gone on strike!
--Michael G. Thompson

Michael Steele wrote: "...distracted by the lyrics to "Watching Sunny Grow" running through my head..."

Hey, Michael Steele!
It's "Watching SCOTTY Grow,"
Not the Guy you called Sunny.
--Christin Keck

 

JOHN'S IMPROMPTU CONTRIBUTION

Acronym maker
Meanings spring from initials
Jeff sounds creative

John's Initial Cite
Jest-Ing Careful, Just In Case
Jeffrey Is Caustic
--J.I.C. (John I. Carney)

TRISH STRIKES AGAIN

A cat's whiskers twitch
As a bird softly alights.
WOH! Ex-bird; fed cat.
--Trish Simpson

Commentary from our friend Meercat:

It's quite a collection, I'll admit. I will point out that for a week or so, my friends and I (who started the whole Peep-Off phenonmenon, I'd like to point out) were on a huge haiku kick. We wrote vast amounts of very bad haiku. It's such an easy form to grasp and mutilate. Jack wrote a lovely introduction to the whole idea, which I here reproduce for your general edification:

The dogmatic style
five-seven-five syllables
gives me a stiffy.

Well. There you go. Sure, it's got nary a mention of nature or the seasons, but what the hell. We had fun. =)
--Jen (jennifer susan raffensperger)

THE "I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL" HAIKU

Reading a haiku
A unique experience
Makes me lose my lunch
--David Streeter (Auntie Spam)

DEADLY MUSIC HAIKU

Music played badly.
Gentlemen, start your Chopin!
The orchestra screams.

I HAVE A HAIKU AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!

Really BAD haiku!
It's offensive to the brain.
Get me outta here!!!
--Two more stellar examples by Trish Simpson

BIG ANNOYING PURPLE DINOSAUR HAIKU

"Barney" annoys me.
Got a shotgun you can spare?
BANG! Oops! Must have slipped.
--Michael G. Thompson  (Note: THANK YOU. May I buy you some more bullets?

A COUPLE O'PAEANS

Football. Men running.
Smush his face into the grass.
Then do it again.

Robert Stevenson
The Supreme Super Snapper
Get 'way from my mouth!
--both from David Streeter

David is really catching the spirit of this page. If we don't get together and stop him, we'll regret it later. (Note from the present time: "later?")

THE BOOGER HAIKUS (written to commemorate the newsgroup curmudgeonishness)

Get off this newsgroup!                                           Eat my shorts, you troll!
Content innapropriate!                                             I don't have to listen here.
You're not amusing.                                                 You are a booger!

 AUTHOR UNKNOWN--ha ha ha)

(Present day note: I can't remember what prompted these rejoinders, but I'm sure it was interesting.)

THE PURPLE COW HAIKU

Reproduction!!!! Purple Cow of porcelain No one can escape!!!!

George (POWMAN99)  (Note: sorry about the formatting--for whatever reason, the old website decided it can't be modified.)

THE SECOND TO THE LAST HAIKU ON THIS PAGE  (Note: no it isn't.)

Her hair is so soft
As soft as a...a...a...a...
A very soft thing
Rick "Similies Are Us" Haan

THE CRITIQUE OF THE HAIKU ABOVE

One of the best of
The whole bunch of confusing
poetry thingies
Cindy Houck

THE 'TRISH MOVES TO TEXAS' HAIKU

Big Texas insect
claims it's a palmetto bug.
It's still a cockroach.

Trish Simpson

Okay, you get the idea, I'm sure. Unfortunately, this is all I have. Ooops, did I say unfortunately?  I meant 'whew!' thank goodness that's over!
(Of course, you might see more of this here, if any more gets written. You might also get chained to a chair and have to watch "Barney" until you bleed from the eyeballs. It's up to you.)

 

And this was our haiku page from alt.fan.Dave_Barry. It was 20 years ago, so forgive us our goofiness, our topical "in-jokes" and the rest of the sins we committed. We had fun doing these. In-jokes on the newsgroup included Dave Barry's use of the term "Chuckletrousers", and his obsession with squirrels and boogers. Dave hasn't changed much over the years, but the internet sure has--Today, these are called "memes" and they blow around a lot like those leaves of Autumn mentioned in the first haiku.

Back then, there was no "social media" like there is now. The interaction came from posts made to your AOL or Prodigy account, and Usenet newsgroups--little enclaves of like-minded individuals who would gather to send witty and/or stupid messages to each other--but these were visible only within the group, not to the whole world or the NSA. The best part? Usenet contained no annoying ads, no "sponsored links" and no "suggestions" of pages you might like. It was pure text--but it was really fun. I miss those days. It enabled us to get to know each other well--without all the cat videos, political statements or tiresome platitudes--and you could pick your poison easily. You could find newsgroups about anything--from A to Zed--including both A and Zed! I'm sure there was an alt.fan.A group--and an alt.fan.zed group too. There had to be. There were around 6000 newsgroups. Something for everyone. You can't get that today.  Not without sponsors, anyway.

Newsgroups morphed into forums, and eventually into MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and the like. In a way, it's really too bad they did--because when newsgroups became an obsolete method of exchange, we lost touch with many of the people we had been communicating with for so long--and some of them haven't resurfaced. Sure, the writing of Dave Barry brought us together then, but it wasn't the only thing we talked about, as you can see from these offerings. The mutual love of humor and wit kept us posting and posting and posting. For some of us, it still does, and as fluid as the internet has become, we still appreciate it and make humor a central part of our lives.

Additional note: Geocities let you create a website that used music, dancing bologna and all sorts of widgety things, which were also included on these pages, but even though I have the original html from that site, the bells and whistles (sometimes real bells and real whistles!) did not survive the years. So I have done a lot of copying and pasting here to bring you these vintage offerings. I hope you enjoy them!

 

 

 

 

NewsNUTS: a collection of bloopers, goofs and funny ads

I've collected these for decades now, and cannot resist cutting them out of the newspaper even today. There is something so funny about a misplaced word, a goofy phrase, an incomprehensible mistake--I find them irresistable!  Hope you enjoy these!

 

 ..No word on how this cat would be on the outside....kinda scary..

 Hmmm...don't you think it might be a good idea to indicate an ADULT? (And learn the difference between discrete and discreet?)

 

 

 

 Conception begins when????

 

 

 

 

 Don't you just get a really warm feeling from this? I do.

 

 

 

 

 

And I always thought it was just an indication that the silicone industry was really healthy....

 

 

 

 

 

Bonco? Was it in a wreck? 

 

 An absolutely BEAUTIFUL example of tombstoning from a local paper.   Both headlines were on the same page.

 I'd like to know how they got them into the bottles!

 

Check back here often for rotating bloopers! More later!!